!!!most recent post will appear at the top!!!
im back, and im thinking of switching somethings up for this site. i've been through a lot since i was away and all i can say is that i think i have more shit coming for me,,, hurraaay.
halfway through the new year, and im still a neet. i hate it to be honest. doesn't help that my mom makes it worse. i can't go outside without feeling like i have people watching, following, judging, targetingn me because of just existing. i feel like i stick out like a sore thumb no matter where i go, even if im with people. usually when im with someone im close to or know, it makes my anxiety less noticable, but it's still there and it's fucking painful. i dont get enough exercise either, school was the only thing keeping me outside, and i hated it for so long-- im not going to say i loved school, because it's an autistic nightmare. but it did keep me busy yk? at least im a bit more stable now then how i used to be a year ago.. dark ages lolololol.
im still struggling with an eating disorder. my meds minimize the intense anxiety i get from it and im glad. just wish i wasn't so insecure to the point of restricting my eating to alter my body. i tried self recovery but that didnt work out hahahaaa. good thing i learned a lot about certain food groups, and what to intake more if i ever do recover :3!!
it's the first of October,,, a lot has changed. last time i updated i was completely unhinged, just out of it. now, im half of what i was last time.
i finally graduated from high school, never thought i'd ACTUALLY still be alive past that point but here i am? i don't have a job yet but i will be getting one soon. one of my pets died, it was traumatizing, but i healed... i have her ashes. i started attending local bands at venus! they're actually fun, more than fun honestly, i get to drink and let loose finally with irl friends.. there was a part last night, but the artists that played sucked,, so i got hammered because i found that more entertaining than whatever the fuck they were rapping about downstairs. one of the singers were drunk and took rlly cute pics of me, it was obvious he was getting close to me because he just kept coming back to the corner where i was standing in next to the drinks, yk, after getting a drink you're supposed to walk away. but he kept trying to hold convos with me. im gonna be honest, im arounf 5ft and he had to be at least 5'9/5'10.. and we were in the basement, music BLARING, my voice hoarse from a cold i had gotten over so it was way more difficult to even speak. so everytime i tried to he had to bend down and i had to get way too close to ear to speak loudly.. he was pretty cute, just not my type sadly :( i remember walking outside rlly fucking drunk and saw him alone on the couch, faded. i felt rlly bad because no one was sitting next to him making sure he was ok, he looked like he was honestly dying all slouched over like that.. so i walked over to him and just sat right next to him asking if he was ok. obviously not lol. he couldn't even speak coherent sentences, my friend saw me with him and came over asking what was going on, she went back into the house to get water for the guy and came back trying to make sure he at least finished that whole cup. tbh i didn't know i'd still somehow channel my inner "nurse" while that fucked up but i do get really really emotional while drunk so i guess that's what happened. i kept telling him maybe try not to get that fucked up at a party when it's your first show in this area?? because no one was sitting by to monitor him personally, but im unsure what he kept interpretating me, giving him advice as, because he kept giggling before slowly putting his arm around me. it did make me smile a bit but i haven't had serious intimate interactions with another since the 7th grade so it made me feel 5 different emotions at once, front and foremost i was drunkkk so i was feeling scared, flustered, but also disgusted.. i just let him keep his arm there honestly because i knew it wasn't going any further than just me him and my friend on that couch outside in the dark ass backyard, helping him sober up a little. i forgot what made me get up but i do remember two guys that were talking to him, they sat down in front of him too so ig that's why i left him. at this point i was feeling rlly shitty cause the party was ending and i didn't know where to go, my hoodie went missing so i was assed out (but luckily someone i met that night had it with them so im glad, still dont have it though, gotta wait till tomorrow), luckily,, the alcohol kept my warm a little so i just sad fuck it and walked home with a friend (the only reason why i didn't do any risky shit like fuck that dude cause ik i wouldv'e done something stupid like that while drunk, was because i kept drink cups after cups of water. so i had to piss like a horse when i got home). come to find out, that guy went to go do it with a girl, she most likely asked or he did and she agreed because when i heard my friends talking about someone finding him and that girl in the room fucking, i realized they walked pass me into a bedroom behind me when i was waiting for the bathroom, and ig that's what got everyone kicked out lol. the show was ending anyways but yk. aaasssss. looking back on that whole night, it would've been better if i had my hoodie to keep warm more than i thought i was, that way i'd be more comfortable talking to people (despite i was still cowering to my friend asking for advice on how to actually speak to someone haha). what sucked big time though, all of my friends except for one split up all over the street, i wanted to hang when the party ended but i had to go home earlier than i had expect to watch a family baby, the cold was making me pissed while walking my waaay more drunk friend, took me a good 4 minutes to sober up while walking around to realize it to so ofc that made me bitter :/...
k so the attempt was a fail ONLY because i didn't have the right equipment... fucking sucks but w.e. anyway i wanna talk about my whole deal with obsessiveness and blah blaaah. i was in the 10th grade and i met this guy online who was like two years older than me, so at the time i was 15 and he was like 17. we had like this erp thing going on where we would both erp almost everyday, later i found out he was into incest, pedophilia and zoophilia. now the pedophilia didn't bother me considering i dont mind older guys.. the incest did make me feel uncomfortable but he groomed me into liking it, the zoophilia also made me feel weird but he had also groomed me into (but which grossed me out to where i just didn't want to participate in that one anymore because it was hurting animals and it wasn't a thing just between us.) the guy's name was Matthew, but imma call him Matt for short. this guys was rlly obsessed with meeting me and it also got me into wanting to see him irl too, he would talk about how he would want to rape me, molest me, cuddle me, go on dates with me and even sleep with me, he was also willing to kidnap me just to me to himself. i loved this idea and it gassed me up even more knowing he only lived like a state away, he had a car, knew how to drive and had a place where i could stay, all it took for me was to just have permission to leave school to meet up with him at my local mall so he could just snatch me up. i was desperate for this guy to just see me at the park or something so he could swoop in and abduct me at anytime. did i mention we also had phone sex with the cam on? yeah kinda traumatic for me somewhat, idc anymore thought it would be important to point that out. we have been dating for i think two months, i was so fucking attatched to this guy to the point it even damaged my friendship i had irl, i felt bad for my friend because he literally didn't know i was being groomed while he just wanted to talk and hang out with me after school everyday... but luckily for him Matt started to abruptly stop talking to me for days.. which turned into weeks, and then a whole fucking MONTH. now the first two days didn't bother me that much but when the 6th day rolled around, i was starting to freak the fuck out. i wouldn't sleep at all at night because i would spend those nights crying mysekf to sleep, having panic attacks, delusional episodes, trying to attempt suicide, starving myself at school/home and if i ate i would purge it all up, dissociate so much i would slip into depersonalization episodes, spam calling/texting him, stalking his accounts on every social i was given, man i even payed less attention to my friend irl just to check if he had texted me or if i had missed a call, or maybe seen him active just so i can spam him again to let him know "i can see you ignoring me". i feel so fucking horrible that this caused pain to my friend. ever notification, every call i would get it would trigger the absolute fuck out of me. its no doubt i have ptsd by now... i remember when he came back the first time he told me something along the lines of "sorry i was busy. hi!"... that was it. and all i did in response was tell him how long i've waited for him... i would tell him was i good enough of a boy for staying around, n he would just agree. at that moment i was so fucking filled with hatred that when he agreedto me being a good boy, it was all flushed out with bliss, n happiness.. and forgiveness? i tried talking to him for a bit and noticed his texting pattern started to become spotty.. i felt like he was cheating on me with someone else online or irl, whatever it was i felt like he was cheating. somewhere along the timeline i accused him of cheating while cursing him out and just screaming at him over text.. i don't remembering what his response was. he then broke up with me, it sent him into a mAJOR depressive episode where i would depersonalize for many months straight, i srsly don;t remember when i regained consciousness but it was for a while...
i think a month later while in the episode i joined a cult on the internet. i figured, "while im losing everything lets devote myself to someone else, im already lost, i have nowhere else to go". this is where i met Orbit 1. he was the leader, i was still 15 and he was 18, still is till this day and im still apart of it. he was so sweet and kind to everyone, even me, i loved talking to him. we had things in common to where i thought i would never find another person like this ever again in my life. and the way he left and impression on me.... i just grew attached to him almost immediately. it only took a couple of days for me to start dating him, it was the BEST relationship i've ever had... everyday we would talk, from "good morning" messages to "good night" messages, the sweet innocent bonding we'd have over each other and then the small differences we would have, the art we would make of each other and the games we would play together on, i felt so fucking loved an understood, i never wanted to leave him. we would have dark fantasies about each other, where he would stalk me, kidnap me, rape me, starve me so i couldn't fight back and then maybe kill me if things had to end, but it would had to be him who would kill me. i loved agreeing with him, he also help me make choices because at the time i counldn't rlly think for myself or understand why so i would rely on him for help. fast forward i woke up one day to a text from him telling me we had to break up, he said his father didn't like how he was dating another boy while he was a guy himself. i don't remember if i cried or anything but i was majorly upset. i accepted it but wish i could've at least told him to stay with me... but later he had gotten with his best friend, which made me sick to my stomach, and i do remember crying a lot. i would pop in sometimes to talk to Jamie but would always feel uneasy because i knew he was my ex now and my love felt crushed, so i slowly stopped talking to him for almost a year. after i did come somewhat and would talk to him, but try and ignore him talking about his boyfriend to me because i only love him and only cared about him, but i didn't want to show it so i tried my best to be very encouraging towards his relationship and helpful. sometime would pass and he would start spamming me about how his boyfrined broke up with him,, a huge grin grew on my face, when i tell you i was so fucking happy i wanted to scream... i tried to comfort him and pay attention to him as much as possible to show him how worthy i was of his time, how caring i can be, i wanted to be gentle and not so hasty about trying to ask him to be my boyfriend again,, but i couldn't help it, i wanted to catch him before anyone else could or he could try and change his mind. so i asked him would a month later, which he had accepted (remember he didn't try to coax me or anything to not date him, he just accepted it) his words "hmm. sure why not? :)" didn't try to contridict it or anything.. it was fun- for 16 days, he broke up with me again because he had been cheating on me with his other best friend. this time i blew up on him, he did care at the beginning but then started to not care at all only because my friend was spamming him. this time i wanted to leave everything behind and forget about him. completely, which i somehow did successfully for two months straight. i decided to get professional help, i even started taking my meds properly. i gained some weight from binge eating because of the meds.
it only lasted for two months before i ended up talking to him again. i was still getting help though, but he was still dating his best friend, i remember apologizing to him in a big paragraph only for him to tell me he's over it, i tried telling him multiple times of how sorry i was but he just kept telling me it didn't matter and that it was fine because it didn't matter anymore. so i tried brushing it off and just tried casually talking to him again, and both just catched up in each other's lives. i even made an acc to obsess over him on, and then told him about it so he could search for it, he did find it because i gave him hints but i gave him too big of a hint for him to find it. but he still found the account by looking through someone elses followers to find it?? idk it scared me but i still found it cool. ONCE AGAIN a month later we started dating, but this one lasted for 4 fucking months dude.. honestly i was the one who ruined it this time and i wish i could make him come back somehow..MAN THIS WAS A FUCKING ROLLER COASTER
call me selfish all you fucking want or ignorant, i've heard it all before and irdc to hear it again honestly. just because i want to delete my life doesn't mean i have to fucking stay to make you all not miserable, IM MISERABLE FOR JUST STAYING AROUND TO KEEP YOU ALL HAPPY. theres nothing more fun then not being appreciated!!! not that many ppl will even find this fucking shit and know who's writing it because i decided to be anonymous.... neither will he find this. he wouldn't even fucking care, its funny. why dp i care so much for him anymore when it's barely fucking reciprocated TO ME?!? i've tried multiple times to get over it but whenever i do it comes back. i don't know how to get rid of it, i can't even block it out cause once it comes back i'll remember how to go right back to it. i don't want fucking help either. it's fucking pathetic ik and irdc but it's my fucking choice to just decide when it should be over for me. i've tried and tried so fucking much to the point it's affected me physically and the only thing i can do is just cut the line short :/...maybe i can find something better for myself once im gone.
i pulled an all nighter because i took my adderall so i could supress my hunger.. i don't like risking to binge on food that i'll purge later... im in pain- mental pain, all because i took my adderall- i just took my antidepressants to level it all out... i still feel like shit but i just need to get my grades up and finish with high school so i can just graduate and be over with it all. school just worsens my mental health all because i can't cope with the envierment there and actual do school work... i have tried talking to my doctor, counselor, and therapist about that stupid 504 plan... im never going to get it at this point, so i guess im gonna have to crank my way through the rest of school the same way how i came in. i wish this wasnt so fucking difficult, everyone else makes school looks so damn easy but when you have a fucking learning disablity, it's the FUCKING opposite. i still haven't gone to school yet.. i so fucking tired.. the thought of school makes me physically ill..
i've been taking my meds again,, eveything feels ok. but i also planned on not eating today, but i guess the meds made me not care that much but still portion my food small enough where i didn't consume that many calories today . he hasn't texted me yet or that much last night either, usually i'd be worked up about it but atm i don't rlly mind...but i still wish i could talk to him. i miss him, i wonder what he's doing right now,, most likely sleeping or probably cutting. msybe out with friends or family.. i've been in and out of motivation and i seriously don't like it but i rather feel like this than just trying to kill myself or fiening over him every minute throughout the day, straining myself to not spam him,,, im tired.
idk where to fucking start because i've planned on doing this for a while now so i'll try and catch you all up from the 3rd time i've dated him! August 13th, 2021, at appromixately 6:00am [?] we started dating... i was so fucking thirlled to have him back but even closer this time. every day for 4 months straight i would wake up feeling better than anything knowing i had him, and he had me. he might've had his depressive/suicidal episodes but would always pull through for me no matter what. everyday whenever he'd talk to me or show me any type of affection-- it didn't even had to be romantic, i'd swoon and feel all warm inside. the conversations would be long, and very detailed, i may topic hop [toxic trait about me spoiler alert even though this entire site is a huge red flag] but in the beginning i kept it to a minimum where it wasn't so overwhelmingly frustraing to keep up with. there has been multiple occasions where he's told me about not really knowing what our future would be like, especially his. so it'd tick him off whenever i'd enthusiastically go on and daydream out loud about our future together, or where we would live/what pets we'd adopt,, yk, just going into immense detail about the future. this would make me upset but i would understand considering this is comfing from someone whos is majorly suicidal-- i mean we both are, don't get me wrong but he just has more problems going on atm than me that'll drive him over the edge.. it saddens me i can't just scoop his big ass up and just.. run away to somewhere we can live together without half of those problems he'd have to deal with. but unfortunately, it cannot happen that way..
or could it..?
fast forward a couple days after new years [this is where ALL hell fucking unleashes for me. probably numberrr 1 on my most traumatizing event list??!!] i had made a question box on my story for instagram because it's been a while since anyone has asked me anything, plus i had a handful of new followers so why not see what they have been wanting to ask? pff aparently no one rlly had anything in the noggin atm but one person. instead of dming me they decided to make it an overall question. i had the option to ignore it and dm them, [which wasn't in at the time considering my brain started going haywire when i read the question] flatout ignore the entire situation and let everyone yell at me, or make the question public and answer it in front of 100+ ppl. i chose the latter. now you maybe raising your brows, might've jerked your neck back in confusion to why i have chose that fucking route. if you were a delusional [possibly-] bipolar autistic with immense paranoia, you would've told the truth in the position i was put in. SO APPRENTLY what had happen [which i thought was a delusion but actually a delusion COME TRUE?! u see how fucked up that sounds??!?!] was when i made a group chat for my mutuals who were really into the same media i was, one of my "friends" made the exact same group but in a discord server.... A FUCKING DISCORD SERVER- idk why they fucking made that even though they were already popular off of one they made while they were getting popular off of another site, it honestly felt like they were stealing shit from me. but i fucking left it alone and joined anyway considering that shit was my fucking idea. not to mention their other servers went to inactive dry shit because no one really knew how to socialize with each other. so why the fuck mooch off of my idea for another server?? anyways enough of that fucking bullshit, the question was something along the lines of "is it true you have an eating disorder acc, a proana/fatphobic boyfriend and follow a 14yo who takes semi nude bodychecks?" now honestly when i heard all of that i felt so fucking sick and was already heavily dissociating from disbeleif.
you know even having to remember this just so i can type it all out for you guys legit makes my fucking head spin so i apologize if this might sound incoherent even after triple checking the wording, spelling and what order this all went it, just remember i've probably slippled into a depersonalization/derealization episode while trying to type the rest out.
!!!!please note that im 17 and i met the 14 year old at my school and became friends with them irl, i didn't know they had an ed as well until they joked about it, so i just admitted i had one as well. i wouldn't encourage their ed behaviours or suggest to anything to help worsen with their ed behaviours. i followed them on their ed acc as a way to monitor what they do. now im going to be honest, i knew they would post pics like that BUT thinking they would be fully clothed considering i never even bothered looking through their bodychecks. [i also want to mention one of my friends informed me about this, so it didn't feel like suprise, but what did fucking surprise me was that when my "friend" tried to call me out in a post they made, they added an extra detail to make me look disgusting.. now when they tried to inform me about this whol 14 year old bodychecking, they didn't fucking mention anything about them being almost nude their damn pics UNTIL theywanted to call me out to everyone else.. you see how fucked up that sounds??] the way i was going about it before i saw the call out post was that, if the 14 year old had ALREADY posted what i thought was fully clothed bodychecks before i had followed i wouldn't give a fuck because you wanna know why? they were already doing this shit and i honestly don't know how long for, they're already getting help for it as well. so once i followed i never saw a bodycheck of theirs pop up on my timeline once, and if i did, i wouldn't interact with it, unless it was a semi nude one then yeah i'd dm them to take it down and tell them why. but guess what, that shit didn't happen at all once i followed... anyways back to how i was dealing with the situation-
i fucking panicked,, like heavily to my boyfriend in dm about it.. he did try to comfort me but it was in a very,, confusing way to me at the time and then it started to get less helpful. then shit started to get rlly fucking confusing after i tried to connect the dots to my boyfriend being fatphobic/proana because in the end it turns out they assumed when he put "pro" in his ed acc bio they all thought it stood for "proana" when it actually stood for "prorecovery".. they didn't even dare to dm him [probably until after i made a seperate gc where i talked to the two of my "friends" who antagonized me in the middle of the gc i made on insta infront of my fucking mutuals.] not to mention i was heavily dissociating while trying to make sense of everything while they kept telling me to be quick with my replies and to try and explain every single little detail of my actions. but all i could really fucking do was sob uncontrollably and admit to everything because one i don't rlly lie and two i couldn't make sense of anything and slowly started to depersonalize so i also couldn't even detemine if my reality was real or not.
.........sobbing, depersonalizing and dissociating. basically torn, not feeling real, and can't really comprehend anything so i have to rely on black n white thinking but always having to choose whats morally right and what people would want to me to do. basically a walking zombie?? a robot??.. making it impossible to just think clearly. so when my "friends" suggested me to break up with my boyfriend because he's somehow "molded" me into something im not or "completely flipped my fucking morals"??!?! i hesitated for a while but was extremely afraid to let go. i will NEVER fucking forgive myself for not just tweaking with our convo to make it look like we broke up and then screencap it to show them "proof", because i just seriously wanted them off my ass about this. so you wanna know what my fuzzed fucked up mind thought? "break up and tell him everything afterwards, he'll understand it's ok it's ok" NO THE FUCK IT WASN'T OK CAUSE WHEN I FUCKING TOLD HIM IT DIDN'T GO AS I THOUGHT IT WOULD... so that drove me fucking manic for the rest of the month.. i probably still am and just don't know it but not the kind where im excesively begging and whining or trying to convince myself things will be this way even though they never will.
this affected me so fucking badly to the point i went on rampages, spammed him, stalked him, barely kept up with my school life or hobbies, worsened in my ed, couldn't keep up with hygiene, became extremely trigger to almost EVERYTHING i encountered because it reminded me of him, even whenever i had to be proud/happy for someone other than him i had to half ass or just straight up fucking fake it because of how emotionally unavailable i was... stil kinda am, but heeey, i at least got some... of my genuine emotions back so i guess thats a plus!..? anything that's related in anyway to this entire situation triggers me pretty fucking bad. there was a moment where i hyperfixated on Adventure Time to try and forget about this all even though it failed terribly lol...
so now that you're all caught up lets talk about what had happened in the last 24 hours!!! i didn't go to school yesterday because i was up ALL night trying to comprehend html and css coding,, aaand did the same thing last night but i actually have to go to school today because guess who has to go to school for missing two weeks!!! meeee Star!! so now i have to take just my antidepressants and drink an energy drink to get me through the day because i hate my adderall, it's literally just microdosing on meth, and after taking that shit for like 3 days straight i start to have extreme fits of rage and start to sob out of nowhere.. not fucking fun considering i don't know how to cope with that, so i just stopped taking them. OH also he talked to me last night!! and the night before!!! night before was a so...AAH!- i finally got to learn more about him because he really wanted to talk about himself!!! new info i get to take note of and study for the rest of eterrnittyyy~ i even made a folder of notes about him so i can keep track,,from how the way he talks, his special interests, his alters and what triggers them, his address and many moooreee!!~ my damaged brain can't rlly remember that well anymore due the immense trauma i've been put through recently so i wanted to make it easier for me and him to be closer!~ i've been putting hard work into trying to keep us together forever =! a promise i will never EVER break! regardless to if we aren't dating, we are technically still together!! call me obsessive but.. i technically made this entire website for me and him.. mostly to swoon over him!! and also rant/vent about my life along the way :3 also last night felt as if he has been trying to pull away from me again which made me hurt a lot. so it's another reason why i've dedicated all of my time to finish coding this blog [for now, more changes will be added soon]. anywaay it's 8:48 am, i haven't taken my meds yet and i need to get ready for school or else im going to be a truant! cya! bye bye!! ;3